Taking it Back

I have spent a few days away pondering and just living a little bit. I am no longer sad, hung up for the love that has been lost instead I am resolved in taking back total control of my life! No more am I going to do things for people I don't want to do, no longer am I going to be polite to people who don't matter or don't even care about me and what is best for me and no longer am I going to let others guilt or control me.......its my life and I am taking it back.

Ever since I was a child I have fallen short of my fathers expectations for me, god knows what they were but I certainly never met them and whilst I dealt with alot of his crap about 10 years ago there is that underlying 'Im not good enough' burden that I have carried and have hidden behind all this time. Just last week someone asked me about my father and if I would be sad if he died, my honest answer was 'I would be relieved, I would have some other emotions too that would involve some sadness but the biggest thing I would feel is relief', I know that it sounds terrible but it is honest and it is real. My father is my father, not my dad or part of my life, he is an obligation that is fulfilled as required for all parties to feel like they have met the required family obligations. Would my life be different if I had a positive male role model......quite possibly yes but that is not what my new direction is about. It is about accepting what was and has been for what it was and moving on in the best possible way for me.

Its really kind of liberating, one of the plans is to head to New York in Jan 2010 by myself for approx 2-3 weeks to just explore the city and everything that I have ever wanted to explore. When I spoke to my mum about it her comment was 'that is a bit out of character for you' .....and the best part it is, but it is soo exciting to actually do things that I have wanted to do instead of always hid behind some excuse or another. And it doesn't stop there, on the weekend we were out for a friends birthday and I had the best fun chatting and flirting with boys WAY too young for me but it felt great! To laugh and chat and just enjoy the moment and see the world through some younger much more innocent eyes for a change.

This week has a bit in store, I am heading to my sisters to hang out with her, my Nephew (the best 9 year old kid in the world) and her 4 week old bubba Ruby....her partner has got a fly in/ fly out job so its just her and the kids during the week so I am going over after work just to spend some time, relieve the burden and have an absolute ball with my favourite people! Then dinner with a girlfriend who has recently gone through an unexpected break up but is coming out the other side in such a commendable way with a smile on her face and her dignity intact.

So here is to taking back the control and having a ball with it!