Taking it Back

I have spent a few days away pondering and just living a little bit. I am no longer sad, hung up for the love that has been lost instead I am resolved in taking back total control of my life! No more am I going to do things for people I don't want to do, no longer am I going to be polite to people who don't matter or don't even care about me and what is best for me and no longer am I going to let others guilt or control me.......its my life and I am taking it back.

Ever since I was a child I have fallen short of my fathers expectations for me, god knows what they were but I certainly never met them and whilst I dealt with alot of his crap about 10 years ago there is that underlying 'Im not good enough' burden that I have carried and have hidden behind all this time. Just last week someone asked me about my father and if I would be sad if he died, my honest answer was 'I would be relieved, I would have some other emotions too that would involve some sadness but the biggest thing I would feel is relief', I know that it sounds terrible but it is honest and it is real. My father is my father, not my dad or part of my life, he is an obligation that is fulfilled as required for all parties to feel like they have met the required family obligations. Would my life be different if I had a positive male role model......quite possibly yes but that is not what my new direction is about. It is about accepting what was and has been for what it was and moving on in the best possible way for me.

Its really kind of liberating, one of the plans is to head to New York in Jan 2010 by myself for approx 2-3 weeks to just explore the city and everything that I have ever wanted to explore. When I spoke to my mum about it her comment was 'that is a bit out of character for you' .....and the best part it is, but it is soo exciting to actually do things that I have wanted to do instead of always hid behind some excuse or another. And it doesn't stop there, on the weekend we were out for a friends birthday and I had the best fun chatting and flirting with boys WAY too young for me but it felt great! To laugh and chat and just enjoy the moment and see the world through some younger much more innocent eyes for a change.

This week has a bit in store, I am heading to my sisters to hang out with her, my Nephew (the best 9 year old kid in the world) and her 4 week old bubba Ruby....her partner has got a fly in/ fly out job so its just her and the kids during the week so I am going over after work just to spend some time, relieve the burden and have an absolute ball with my favourite people! Then dinner with a girlfriend who has recently gone through an unexpected break up but is coming out the other side in such a commendable way with a smile on her face and her dignity intact.

So here is to taking back the control and having a ball with it!

Crossroads

Ok so the last 24 hours can best be described as hellish and I had half expected myself to write a rant and rave blog about heartache and heartbreak, but by about 2pm this afternoon I ran out of tears and since then I have had an eerie calm feeling. I made a decision to walk away with my head held high onto bigger and better things, having now thought about that I have NO IDEA WHAT I WANT!

I am 28, soon to be 29 years old, single, currently in a job that bores the crap out of me by about 11:30am each day and I could do blind folded, I rent a property with my mum (so technically not living with my mum in the traditional 'loaf off your parents' kind of way but still having the uncool points), I still feel like crap most days with the racing heart and lethargy from lack of iron and stupidly in my early 20's decided it was fun to use credit cards so I now spend a fair whack of my disposable income clearing that up, fingers crossed it should all be gone by the time I am 30 but until then I feel 'trapped' in this very uninspiring life. I don't remember what I expected my life to be like, but I am pretty sure that this was not the way I thought it would go, I wanted this very cool happy life and now all that I have are millions of questions as to what comes next......What do I want to do everyday? Where do I want to live? Will I find my soul mate? Will I get to have children? And when will this life start??

I have decided that my new start begins tomorrow. I will put on my game face, fight my best fight, stop hiding behind crappy excuses and not let people treat me like crap and think that it is OK. Now this is not going to be a quick or easy but I think that once I figure 'Me' out the rest will fall into place.....if not there is always liquor to numb the pain xx

Questions and Answers.....

There is a point when you are thinking about something that it then takes over most of your thoughts for a period of time. I started to think on Saturday and I am STILL going, yes I can function as a normal person and most likely the majority of people I have interacted with would have no idea that I am barely paying attention to them because every functioning part of my brain has an 'engaged' sign on it just like a ladies loo.

So what you might ask has been rattling around my brain....one single question that needs to be asked and answered. Now having formulated the question, run it by my very best mate as an editing process (its always better to be safe than sorry) I now need ask the person that I need the answer from.......and the heart starts beating again. As a quick background for those who don't know the latest, about 3 weeks ago my heart rate started racing and wouldn't stop after about 3 days of a 100 plus heartbeat I went to see my GP. She was concerned and then sent me home with some 'old man' beta blockers to artificially slow my heart down and a referral to a Cardiologist. The Cardiologist sent me for a few tests including an ultra sound on my heart and wearing a portable heart monitor that recorded your heart rate for 24 hours and a full blood test. So with my heart rate still hanging around the 100 mark for the most part I went to see the Cardiologist, turns out my heart is overcompensating and working extra hard to make up for a severe iron deficiency........which of course is a great outcome, the iron issues are fixable and he took me off the beta blockers, though until the iron gets sorted I again get an extra fast extra exhausting heart beat.

So back to the point, with the addition of 'stress' my heart rate goes a little insane, not knowing the answer to things also drives me insane the combination together means me preoccupied, stressed and a little nervous. When asking a question that you don't know the answer too there is always a 50/50 chance of it working out the way you want it to. So now all I have to do is get this out of the way and life will make a little more sense, for better or worse an answer is always better than nothing.........

Sex and The City Wisdom........

So there is this thing that has been happening for a while that has started to freak me out, on Foxtel they play Sex and the City episodes on Saturday and Sundays in blocks and its always worth a watch when there is little else on.

Sporadically I have flicked over for a little 'Sex' action and without exception the episode playing has some kind of message for what is specifically going on in my life. Many would say a show about single women and their lives of course most women would identify, but the bit that freaks me out is that no matter what part of what season it just seems to hit the nail on the head. Now for those without an intimate knowledge of SATC history and or the movie there is a storyline with Carrie and a man called Mr Big that started in the first episode and in some way or another was still going all the way through to the last episode of the last season and then the movie......and throughout the whole thing this is the one relationship that I personally identified with and of course loved the happy ending in the movie because honestly what girl doesn't!

So today's lesson from Season three, was Miranda getting into an argument with Carrie about not going back to Mr Big because she doesn't like the person that Carrie becomes when she is around Big, the quote is 'You become needy and insecure and I don't like it' also followed when they reconcile as friends 'Don't let him kiss you that is where you seem to run into trouble'.....and do you know what its true, its always true.

Every logical person would say yes walk away if someone turns your life upside down, makes you cry and things are never just easy and simple.......and I wish I could, but there is something to be said for a love that can hurt as much as it does fill you with joy, to have a real struggle before things finally work out and for them to drive you crazy one moment and then make you laugh so much it hurts....to have an epic love. Isn't an epic love worth fighting for or is it all really just part of the constructed fairytale that we are fed to believe from a young age and we are all just wasting our time?

At the moment I am standing at a crossroad of an epic love and it has come to the time to make a very big decision, do I believe in the epic love one last time or should I take the other road and just walk away once and for all. For now only time will tell.

Ahh the beginning......

So for this first blog I thought it would be a good idea to share a bit about me. Strangely I am one of those people that love to fill in those 'About me' sections and more often than not run out of room. This below is one of my better ones that I filled out;

I am me and I am pretty ok with that. I had a recent 'pre-30 mini life crisis' and have made some big changes to my life from it. I drive badly and pretend that I dont. I laugh at silly things and am very easily amused. I give my friends shit because I know that they can take it. I am fussy with my food but cant live without REAL coffee. I am not sure which path in life I am on but I am having fun figuring it out. I dont think its right to eat cute animals but am ok with eating the ugly ones. I use far too much conditioner in my hair and spend too much time playing around with make up. I have a love of dodgy reality tv and english comedians (read Russell Brand). I hate Harry Potter and all things fantasy. If I feel sad I put a sad movie on and have a good cry. I have crappy taste in music but I love it anyway.

I always know what time to send myself home on a night out. I think I have mild OCD and prefer square objects to any other shape. I have a very large and unconventional family that I wouldnt trade for the world and I am especially smitten with the latest edition of my niece Ruby. I believe in everyone having one true love and everyone getting their happy ending and can't wait until I get mine. I need alone time to stay sane. I love my friends and have got some of the most fantastic people in my life. I both love and hate my job. I sleep with the TV on. I think a bunch of fresh flowers is the best no reason gift ever.

Shopping gives me back my sanity but I should window shop more and actually shop less. I want to travel and learn to speak another language. I only use one type of toothpaste and sqeeze it from the middle. In an awkward or stressful situation I will often use humour inappropriately. I try to drink 2 litres of water but often fall short. I love to write but often feel uninspired. I have a list of things to complete before I am 30. A cup of tea always seems to make any situation better, not sure why but it does. I dont get the seeing people/ dating thing. I am always the friend and never the girlfriend. I love my mum and wouldnt trade her for the world. I love to sleep but dont ever seem to get enough. I should wear reading glasses but often dont and I always think too much.....that is me, take it or leave it!

So that is me for now.....I hope it was insightful and you will enjoy reading what I send out to the world.