Silver Linings

When I woke up today I had that dreading sense that it was going to be 'one of those days' , I was all a bit emotional, had a crap sleep last night and the burden of not knowing what is next was weighing heavily on me. Not expecting much from a day can sometimes have its advantages because then when good things happen instead of just dismissing them they mean more so I just wanted to share a few of the silver linings of my day;

1) Stepping on the scales- YES it is one of the most hated activities my most women that are on the earth and since April 08 I have slowly but surely been losing weight from being far too heavy with a plan to be back to a healthy normal weight before my 30th next year. Anyway, how are you asking was stepping on a set of scales a highlight for me??? Well today, finally I hit a weight that I have not been at since 2005, my jaw nearly hit the floor because I have honestly been a little worried that I would put some weight back on in the 'relationship bliss' so to see that the last couple of kilos that have been toying with me for the last month or so have gone and my enthusiasm and focus is renewed. I will be one hot lady by the time I am 30......oh yeah!

2) Blog Award- A fellow blogger and friend bestowed my first award upon me today and with that shout out hopefully opened this up to some more readers who will read, relate and giggle. There are rules for receiving the award which I will get to but receiving it and the encouragement helped put a smile on my dial today.

3) Sister Love- There are some people in your life that can always put you in a good mood, it was only a quick chat to arrange a lunch date with my sister and my stunning niece Ruby for tomorrow but it all helps.

4) Rock of Love Bus- This I posted as a Facebook status update; Nicola is championing the therapeutic powers of 'Rock of Love Bus'.....stick with me on this one, OK no matter how bad a day/ week/ month you are having your life is not as sad as the bunch of dumb skanky girls fighting each each other to get into Brett Michael's pants. See totally logical. (See attached Picture of some of the 'ladies' from the show)

5) Panadine Extra- For putting a massive dent in my headache from hell despite the 1245 questions I had to answer from the pharmacist to get it.....seriously drug dealers would ask less questions for buying some real stuff!

So that is it.....my crappy day that had some highlights. We can't win them all but there is always a silver lining, you just have to look for it!

My Poor Neglected Blog.....

It has been a while since my last blog post, trust me along the way I have written plenty inside my head but haven't gotten around to actually getting any up. So the latest goings on in my life.......where to begin!

The last blog left off just before I went away with the ex-bf/ best friend (Mr Big) to Phuket for 3 weeks, well in short the holiday couldn't have gone better. We had an absolute ball, never got annoyed with each other and I can speak for me when I say I fell in love with him all over again. This kind of worked out well as now we are officially together (facebook relationship status and all) and I can't even think what I did without him......yes, I am as they say a smitten kitten!

All sounds good so far.......uh-ha but those that know me understand that my life, lets say never runs smoothly. I have had a long term theory that if my work life is good my personal life is crap and vice versa and the last month or so has proved this well and truly true.

Once I got back from the holiday I had a meeting with my boss and she whinged and I advised that I really wasn't happy there so we agreed parting ways would be best for everyone and I thought that would be it. But no, the job that I truly hated (if you were lucky enough to catch the short lived 'I hate my job' blog then you would understand the full extent of my dislike of that employment if not, use your imagination) any way this job well the boss is haunting me and going out of their way to not let me move on. After one false start with a new company because of the said haunting, I am now sitting on my couch at 1:42 pm on a Wednesday unemployed, jaded and totally lost.

I really really would love to leave the industry that I am in, it has been 5 years and I feel it lacks the challenge and interest that it once had. But where to next??? I have not the most useful university qualifications, 5 years experience in property management, a passion and interest in writing and marketing but no idea how to go about making enough money to pay my bills each month with this. So I am looking for temp work to get me by and alt east bring an income in, if that doesn't start soon then the next option is taking another permanent full time PM position and crossing my fingers that the haunting doesn't continue.

So that is it.......pretty much all updated on the main goings on. On one hand I am so immensely happy and cant believe how lucky I have got and the other is a true example of what a total clusterfuck 2009 has been for me career wise. Oh well, at least I can't say that life isn't interesting!!!

On the Cusp

To say I have had a crazy few weeks is a bit of understatement. The non-extended version is as follows;

Mr Big (ex BF/ Best Friend with occasional benefits) broke up with his girlfriend of three months at his own decision. She went a little stalker-esque for a week or so there so I spent a fair whack of time talking to him, supporting him in what I personally thought was a really great choice! Stemming from this Big was booked on a 3 week overseas holiday to leave on 5th of August, luckily he asked if I wanted to go with him now that there was a vacancy.......and I said yes! So with about a week and a bits notice I told work that I need 3 weeks off work(which they gave me a bit begrudgingly), I then have to get everything ready at work for me to be away for 3 weeks and then start to think about packing!!!!

Now on top of the usual work/ packing stresses, I am FREAKING OUT. Spending 24/ 7 with Big and Big having to put up with me 24/ 7 is alarming me, I get that I am a pretty good person most of the time, but ALL of the time I assume that I am really annoying to be around and I wonder how we are going to deal with that. I mean we have known each other for 16 years and practically have an encyclopedic knowledge on each other (well in all honesty he knows more about me than I do about him) but we have never spent allot of time in a confined space together.

On top of that there is my biggest concern of all. I feel like I am on the cusp of getting exactly what I want (being in a relationship with the boy that I have always loved) and I am shit scared I am going to mess it up. This holiday will be a totally make or break situation for us, worst case scenario we come home best mates which isn't a bad option I know, its the option of everything working out I think that really scares me because I don't think that I ever really thought it would happen. So set in the backdrop of a 5 star hotel in Phuket, Thailand my little story will play out over the next few weeks.

Limited to no Internet access means that I will be mostly cut off from the world and everyone in it. I will have to go a little old school with the writing with a pen and paper and put them up for you all when I get back......whether they be good, bad or even a little bit ugly! So wish me luck to survive the next 2 days of work and cross your fingers and your toes and anything else you can cross to wish me luck on this adventure and to the happy ending that i always wanted. Agggghhh!!!

Thats the thing about life.....

Life never ceases to amaze me. Just when you think that you are stuck in a slump, something intervenes and makes the stars line up and you see things a whole different way.

I have had a bit of an emotional trot lately and the way that I deal with that is to get very introspective until I sort it out in my head, this along with the winter couplings of most of my friends had me thinking the world sucked a bit. Then out of the blue a really great weekend filled with friends, laughter, food, chatting and late night walks has put a massive smile on my face and made me happy.

It was exactly what the doctor ordered and I am excited and hopeful for what the future holds.....what ever that may be. One thing I do know is that it will be surrounded by some of the most amazing people who love me unconditionally and that is a great start in my books.

Hey wait, where did everyone go?????

Ahhh winter......the time for wrapping up in layers, snuggling in with a hot cuppa and a blanket, getting rained on when you do step outside and of course the time when you look around and wonder where the heck all your friends went!

I can tell you exactly where they are.....snuggled up on a couch somewhere with their winter boyfriend/ girlfriend watching a silly romantic comedy and laughing at those silly single people that think about going out on a Saturday night! It occurred to me last weekend when I had no real plans to see anyone or do anything for the WHOLE WEEKEND that my once very buoyant group of fantastic, intelligent, funny single women had completely disappeared and then the further disgrace of having to discuss such weekend with others on Monday. I actually had someone (we shall call him Red because he is Ginger but we love him anyway) feel soooo sorry for me (we shall call me Billy-no-mates) that an SOS was sent out to another friend for a sympathy dinner and drinks to be organised STAT to save me from a death of social suicide!

When I was talking with the said empathiser (Red), he actually listed off all of my lovely girlfriends one by one to which I replied; ' Oh SK (one of my very best friends) she is in a relationship, yeah its going really well and she has a super busy job now so yeah don't get to see her alot at the moment' followed by ' Oh you mean Pol, she moved to Singapore with her new boyfriend a month or so ago so catching up is a little difficult' and so on and on until he stopped and went 'Oh'. I of course brushed it off as a 'slow weekend' and made some joke at my expense but really as winter progresses the weekends have less and less on and more and more my arse and my couch are starting to become firm friends (well my arse is becoming less and less firm as we speak). I have lost everyone to the Winter Relationship....everyone except myself....dammit!

Not that I am totally knocking the lull in proceedings, it is nice to occasionally have a night here and there that is totally your own, you aren't expected to be anywhere and it is totally acceptable to be dressed for the occasion in your comfy flannel PJ bottoms, Ugg boots and a Cardie that only your Nan would wear in public. These are the occasions when you pray that no one drops by unannounced as this attire is solely part of your 'secret single' behaviour that is also only acceptable when sharing the evening with a close girlfriend OR if you are well into a relationship where there is little mystery left OR you look like a Victoria Secret model and you can make the said outfit look good! If you are spending more time enjoying the above with also the mix of dvd's, the occasional take away and alot of alcohol you need to find a decent cover story as telling the truth will only get you the above pity that I got from Red.....make it realistic and detailed enough to avoid deep and probing questions or in worst case scenario, turn the conversation around quick smart!

On the plus side though, one of my beloved girlfriends (Percy) that I had lost to a winter relationship is now back on the singles market with me and I now have a movie date for Friday Night, a possible lunch date on Saturday (if we can pry the couples away from their blissful coupledom) and possibly the proposed sympathy dinner and drinks on Saturday night with Red and my ex boyfriend/ best friend with occasional benefits (lets call him Mr Big; two reasons really one is yes he is really tall compared to me but also yes the similarities that I draw from the Mr Big character from SATC) which will be an absolute ball as they are two of the funniest people that I know plus they are both trained chefs so my softening arse gets to sit on the couch and drink whilst the boys cook up a feast!

So with this weekend looking more attractive than last, things are on the up.......as we move out of winter and into the warmer weather I will also look forward to getting some of my lovely girls back from the grips of the winter hibernation and we again shall drink, laugh and be merry.....oh and take pics and put them of Facebook!

Rant Removed!

At the kind advice of a good friend my previous blog/ rant that was work related has been removed.....I had a really bad day and just wanted it out of me and for people to relate to a really bad situation. Career wise probably not the best idea so I have taken it down and put it in the private pile!

You know you are lucky when others are looking out for you so you dont commit career suicide, so thanks Robbie.....your wise words are appreciated.

Taking it Back

I have spent a few days away pondering and just living a little bit. I am no longer sad, hung up for the love that has been lost instead I am resolved in taking back total control of my life! No more am I going to do things for people I don't want to do, no longer am I going to be polite to people who don't matter or don't even care about me and what is best for me and no longer am I going to let others guilt or control me.......its my life and I am taking it back.

Ever since I was a child I have fallen short of my fathers expectations for me, god knows what they were but I certainly never met them and whilst I dealt with alot of his crap about 10 years ago there is that underlying 'Im not good enough' burden that I have carried and have hidden behind all this time. Just last week someone asked me about my father and if I would be sad if he died, my honest answer was 'I would be relieved, I would have some other emotions too that would involve some sadness but the biggest thing I would feel is relief', I know that it sounds terrible but it is honest and it is real. My father is my father, not my dad or part of my life, he is an obligation that is fulfilled as required for all parties to feel like they have met the required family obligations. Would my life be different if I had a positive male role model......quite possibly yes but that is not what my new direction is about. It is about accepting what was and has been for what it was and moving on in the best possible way for me.

Its really kind of liberating, one of the plans is to head to New York in Jan 2010 by myself for approx 2-3 weeks to just explore the city and everything that I have ever wanted to explore. When I spoke to my mum about it her comment was 'that is a bit out of character for you' .....and the best part it is, but it is soo exciting to actually do things that I have wanted to do instead of always hid behind some excuse or another. And it doesn't stop there, on the weekend we were out for a friends birthday and I had the best fun chatting and flirting with boys WAY too young for me but it felt great! To laugh and chat and just enjoy the moment and see the world through some younger much more innocent eyes for a change.

This week has a bit in store, I am heading to my sisters to hang out with her, my Nephew (the best 9 year old kid in the world) and her 4 week old bubba Ruby....her partner has got a fly in/ fly out job so its just her and the kids during the week so I am going over after work just to spend some time, relieve the burden and have an absolute ball with my favourite people! Then dinner with a girlfriend who has recently gone through an unexpected break up but is coming out the other side in such a commendable way with a smile on her face and her dignity intact.

So here is to taking back the control and having a ball with it!

Crossroads

Ok so the last 24 hours can best be described as hellish and I had half expected myself to write a rant and rave blog about heartache and heartbreak, but by about 2pm this afternoon I ran out of tears and since then I have had an eerie calm feeling. I made a decision to walk away with my head held high onto bigger and better things, having now thought about that I have NO IDEA WHAT I WANT!

I am 28, soon to be 29 years old, single, currently in a job that bores the crap out of me by about 11:30am each day and I could do blind folded, I rent a property with my mum (so technically not living with my mum in the traditional 'loaf off your parents' kind of way but still having the uncool points), I still feel like crap most days with the racing heart and lethargy from lack of iron and stupidly in my early 20's decided it was fun to use credit cards so I now spend a fair whack of my disposable income clearing that up, fingers crossed it should all be gone by the time I am 30 but until then I feel 'trapped' in this very uninspiring life. I don't remember what I expected my life to be like, but I am pretty sure that this was not the way I thought it would go, I wanted this very cool happy life and now all that I have are millions of questions as to what comes next......What do I want to do everyday? Where do I want to live? Will I find my soul mate? Will I get to have children? And when will this life start??

I have decided that my new start begins tomorrow. I will put on my game face, fight my best fight, stop hiding behind crappy excuses and not let people treat me like crap and think that it is OK. Now this is not going to be a quick or easy but I think that once I figure 'Me' out the rest will fall into place.....if not there is always liquor to numb the pain xx

Questions and Answers.....

There is a point when you are thinking about something that it then takes over most of your thoughts for a period of time. I started to think on Saturday and I am STILL going, yes I can function as a normal person and most likely the majority of people I have interacted with would have no idea that I am barely paying attention to them because every functioning part of my brain has an 'engaged' sign on it just like a ladies loo.

So what you might ask has been rattling around my brain....one single question that needs to be asked and answered. Now having formulated the question, run it by my very best mate as an editing process (its always better to be safe than sorry) I now need ask the person that I need the answer from.......and the heart starts beating again. As a quick background for those who don't know the latest, about 3 weeks ago my heart rate started racing and wouldn't stop after about 3 days of a 100 plus heartbeat I went to see my GP. She was concerned and then sent me home with some 'old man' beta blockers to artificially slow my heart down and a referral to a Cardiologist. The Cardiologist sent me for a few tests including an ultra sound on my heart and wearing a portable heart monitor that recorded your heart rate for 24 hours and a full blood test. So with my heart rate still hanging around the 100 mark for the most part I went to see the Cardiologist, turns out my heart is overcompensating and working extra hard to make up for a severe iron deficiency........which of course is a great outcome, the iron issues are fixable and he took me off the beta blockers, though until the iron gets sorted I again get an extra fast extra exhausting heart beat.

So back to the point, with the addition of 'stress' my heart rate goes a little insane, not knowing the answer to things also drives me insane the combination together means me preoccupied, stressed and a little nervous. When asking a question that you don't know the answer too there is always a 50/50 chance of it working out the way you want it to. So now all I have to do is get this out of the way and life will make a little more sense, for better or worse an answer is always better than nothing.........

Sex and The City Wisdom........

So there is this thing that has been happening for a while that has started to freak me out, on Foxtel they play Sex and the City episodes on Saturday and Sundays in blocks and its always worth a watch when there is little else on.

Sporadically I have flicked over for a little 'Sex' action and without exception the episode playing has some kind of message for what is specifically going on in my life. Many would say a show about single women and their lives of course most women would identify, but the bit that freaks me out is that no matter what part of what season it just seems to hit the nail on the head. Now for those without an intimate knowledge of SATC history and or the movie there is a storyline with Carrie and a man called Mr Big that started in the first episode and in some way or another was still going all the way through to the last episode of the last season and then the movie......and throughout the whole thing this is the one relationship that I personally identified with and of course loved the happy ending in the movie because honestly what girl doesn't!

So today's lesson from Season three, was Miranda getting into an argument with Carrie about not going back to Mr Big because she doesn't like the person that Carrie becomes when she is around Big, the quote is 'You become needy and insecure and I don't like it' also followed when they reconcile as friends 'Don't let him kiss you that is where you seem to run into trouble'.....and do you know what its true, its always true.

Every logical person would say yes walk away if someone turns your life upside down, makes you cry and things are never just easy and simple.......and I wish I could, but there is something to be said for a love that can hurt as much as it does fill you with joy, to have a real struggle before things finally work out and for them to drive you crazy one moment and then make you laugh so much it hurts....to have an epic love. Isn't an epic love worth fighting for or is it all really just part of the constructed fairytale that we are fed to believe from a young age and we are all just wasting our time?

At the moment I am standing at a crossroad of an epic love and it has come to the time to make a very big decision, do I believe in the epic love one last time or should I take the other road and just walk away once and for all. For now only time will tell.

Ahh the beginning......

So for this first blog I thought it would be a good idea to share a bit about me. Strangely I am one of those people that love to fill in those 'About me' sections and more often than not run out of room. This below is one of my better ones that I filled out;

I am me and I am pretty ok with that. I had a recent 'pre-30 mini life crisis' and have made some big changes to my life from it. I drive badly and pretend that I dont. I laugh at silly things and am very easily amused. I give my friends shit because I know that they can take it. I am fussy with my food but cant live without REAL coffee. I am not sure which path in life I am on but I am having fun figuring it out. I dont think its right to eat cute animals but am ok with eating the ugly ones. I use far too much conditioner in my hair and spend too much time playing around with make up. I have a love of dodgy reality tv and english comedians (read Russell Brand). I hate Harry Potter and all things fantasy. If I feel sad I put a sad movie on and have a good cry. I have crappy taste in music but I love it anyway.

I always know what time to send myself home on a night out. I think I have mild OCD and prefer square objects to any other shape. I have a very large and unconventional family that I wouldnt trade for the world and I am especially smitten with the latest edition of my niece Ruby. I believe in everyone having one true love and everyone getting their happy ending and can't wait until I get mine. I need alone time to stay sane. I love my friends and have got some of the most fantastic people in my life. I both love and hate my job. I sleep with the TV on. I think a bunch of fresh flowers is the best no reason gift ever.

Shopping gives me back my sanity but I should window shop more and actually shop less. I want to travel and learn to speak another language. I only use one type of toothpaste and sqeeze it from the middle. In an awkward or stressful situation I will often use humour inappropriately. I try to drink 2 litres of water but often fall short. I love to write but often feel uninspired. I have a list of things to complete before I am 30. A cup of tea always seems to make any situation better, not sure why but it does. I dont get the seeing people/ dating thing. I am always the friend and never the girlfriend. I love my mum and wouldnt trade her for the world. I love to sleep but dont ever seem to get enough. I should wear reading glasses but often dont and I always think too much.....that is me, take it or leave it!

So that is me for now.....I hope it was insightful and you will enjoy reading what I send out to the world.