On the Cusp

To say I have had a crazy few weeks is a bit of understatement. The non-extended version is as follows;

Mr Big (ex BF/ Best Friend with occasional benefits) broke up with his girlfriend of three months at his own decision. She went a little stalker-esque for a week or so there so I spent a fair whack of time talking to him, supporting him in what I personally thought was a really great choice! Stemming from this Big was booked on a 3 week overseas holiday to leave on 5th of August, luckily he asked if I wanted to go with him now that there was a vacancy.......and I said yes! So with about a week and a bits notice I told work that I need 3 weeks off work(which they gave me a bit begrudgingly), I then have to get everything ready at work for me to be away for 3 weeks and then start to think about packing!!!!

Now on top of the usual work/ packing stresses, I am FREAKING OUT. Spending 24/ 7 with Big and Big having to put up with me 24/ 7 is alarming me, I get that I am a pretty good person most of the time, but ALL of the time I assume that I am really annoying to be around and I wonder how we are going to deal with that. I mean we have known each other for 16 years and practically have an encyclopedic knowledge on each other (well in all honesty he knows more about me than I do about him) but we have never spent allot of time in a confined space together.

On top of that there is my biggest concern of all. I feel like I am on the cusp of getting exactly what I want (being in a relationship with the boy that I have always loved) and I am shit scared I am going to mess it up. This holiday will be a totally make or break situation for us, worst case scenario we come home best mates which isn't a bad option I know, its the option of everything working out I think that really scares me because I don't think that I ever really thought it would happen. So set in the backdrop of a 5 star hotel in Phuket, Thailand my little story will play out over the next few weeks.

Limited to no Internet access means that I will be mostly cut off from the world and everyone in it. I will have to go a little old school with the writing with a pen and paper and put them up for you all when I get back......whether they be good, bad or even a little bit ugly! So wish me luck to survive the next 2 days of work and cross your fingers and your toes and anything else you can cross to wish me luck on this adventure and to the happy ending that i always wanted. Agggghhh!!!

Thats the thing about life.....

Life never ceases to amaze me. Just when you think that you are stuck in a slump, something intervenes and makes the stars line up and you see things a whole different way.

I have had a bit of an emotional trot lately and the way that I deal with that is to get very introspective until I sort it out in my head, this along with the winter couplings of most of my friends had me thinking the world sucked a bit. Then out of the blue a really great weekend filled with friends, laughter, food, chatting and late night walks has put a massive smile on my face and made me happy.

It was exactly what the doctor ordered and I am excited and hopeful for what the future holds.....what ever that may be. One thing I do know is that it will be surrounded by some of the most amazing people who love me unconditionally and that is a great start in my books.

Hey wait, where did everyone go?????

Ahhh winter......the time for wrapping up in layers, snuggling in with a hot cuppa and a blanket, getting rained on when you do step outside and of course the time when you look around and wonder where the heck all your friends went!

I can tell you exactly where they are.....snuggled up on a couch somewhere with their winter boyfriend/ girlfriend watching a silly romantic comedy and laughing at those silly single people that think about going out on a Saturday night! It occurred to me last weekend when I had no real plans to see anyone or do anything for the WHOLE WEEKEND that my once very buoyant group of fantastic, intelligent, funny single women had completely disappeared and then the further disgrace of having to discuss such weekend with others on Monday. I actually had someone (we shall call him Red because he is Ginger but we love him anyway) feel soooo sorry for me (we shall call me Billy-no-mates) that an SOS was sent out to another friend for a sympathy dinner and drinks to be organised STAT to save me from a death of social suicide!

When I was talking with the said empathiser (Red), he actually listed off all of my lovely girlfriends one by one to which I replied; ' Oh SK (one of my very best friends) she is in a relationship, yeah its going really well and she has a super busy job now so yeah don't get to see her alot at the moment' followed by ' Oh you mean Pol, she moved to Singapore with her new boyfriend a month or so ago so catching up is a little difficult' and so on and on until he stopped and went 'Oh'. I of course brushed it off as a 'slow weekend' and made some joke at my expense but really as winter progresses the weekends have less and less on and more and more my arse and my couch are starting to become firm friends (well my arse is becoming less and less firm as we speak). I have lost everyone to the Winter Relationship....everyone except myself....dammit!

Not that I am totally knocking the lull in proceedings, it is nice to occasionally have a night here and there that is totally your own, you aren't expected to be anywhere and it is totally acceptable to be dressed for the occasion in your comfy flannel PJ bottoms, Ugg boots and a Cardie that only your Nan would wear in public. These are the occasions when you pray that no one drops by unannounced as this attire is solely part of your 'secret single' behaviour that is also only acceptable when sharing the evening with a close girlfriend OR if you are well into a relationship where there is little mystery left OR you look like a Victoria Secret model and you can make the said outfit look good! If you are spending more time enjoying the above with also the mix of dvd's, the occasional take away and alot of alcohol you need to find a decent cover story as telling the truth will only get you the above pity that I got from Red.....make it realistic and detailed enough to avoid deep and probing questions or in worst case scenario, turn the conversation around quick smart!

On the plus side though, one of my beloved girlfriends (Percy) that I had lost to a winter relationship is now back on the singles market with me and I now have a movie date for Friday Night, a possible lunch date on Saturday (if we can pry the couples away from their blissful coupledom) and possibly the proposed sympathy dinner and drinks on Saturday night with Red and my ex boyfriend/ best friend with occasional benefits (lets call him Mr Big; two reasons really one is yes he is really tall compared to me but also yes the similarities that I draw from the Mr Big character from SATC) which will be an absolute ball as they are two of the funniest people that I know plus they are both trained chefs so my softening arse gets to sit on the couch and drink whilst the boys cook up a feast!

So with this weekend looking more attractive than last, things are on the up.......as we move out of winter and into the warmer weather I will also look forward to getting some of my lovely girls back from the grips of the winter hibernation and we again shall drink, laugh and be merry.....oh and take pics and put them of Facebook!

Rant Removed!

At the kind advice of a good friend my previous blog/ rant that was work related has been removed.....I had a really bad day and just wanted it out of me and for people to relate to a really bad situation. Career wise probably not the best idea so I have taken it down and put it in the private pile!

You know you are lucky when others are looking out for you so you dont commit career suicide, so thanks Robbie.....your wise words are appreciated.

Taking it Back

I have spent a few days away pondering and just living a little bit. I am no longer sad, hung up for the love that has been lost instead I am resolved in taking back total control of my life! No more am I going to do things for people I don't want to do, no longer am I going to be polite to people who don't matter or don't even care about me and what is best for me and no longer am I going to let others guilt or control me.......its my life and I am taking it back.

Ever since I was a child I have fallen short of my fathers expectations for me, god knows what they were but I certainly never met them and whilst I dealt with alot of his crap about 10 years ago there is that underlying 'Im not good enough' burden that I have carried and have hidden behind all this time. Just last week someone asked me about my father and if I would be sad if he died, my honest answer was 'I would be relieved, I would have some other emotions too that would involve some sadness but the biggest thing I would feel is relief', I know that it sounds terrible but it is honest and it is real. My father is my father, not my dad or part of my life, he is an obligation that is fulfilled as required for all parties to feel like they have met the required family obligations. Would my life be different if I had a positive male role model......quite possibly yes but that is not what my new direction is about. It is about accepting what was and has been for what it was and moving on in the best possible way for me.

Its really kind of liberating, one of the plans is to head to New York in Jan 2010 by myself for approx 2-3 weeks to just explore the city and everything that I have ever wanted to explore. When I spoke to my mum about it her comment was 'that is a bit out of character for you' .....and the best part it is, but it is soo exciting to actually do things that I have wanted to do instead of always hid behind some excuse or another. And it doesn't stop there, on the weekend we were out for a friends birthday and I had the best fun chatting and flirting with boys WAY too young for me but it felt great! To laugh and chat and just enjoy the moment and see the world through some younger much more innocent eyes for a change.

This week has a bit in store, I am heading to my sisters to hang out with her, my Nephew (the best 9 year old kid in the world) and her 4 week old bubba Ruby....her partner has got a fly in/ fly out job so its just her and the kids during the week so I am going over after work just to spend some time, relieve the burden and have an absolute ball with my favourite people! Then dinner with a girlfriend who has recently gone through an unexpected break up but is coming out the other side in such a commendable way with a smile on her face and her dignity intact.

So here is to taking back the control and having a ball with it!

Crossroads

Ok so the last 24 hours can best be described as hellish and I had half expected myself to write a rant and rave blog about heartache and heartbreak, but by about 2pm this afternoon I ran out of tears and since then I have had an eerie calm feeling. I made a decision to walk away with my head held high onto bigger and better things, having now thought about that I have NO IDEA WHAT I WANT!

I am 28, soon to be 29 years old, single, currently in a job that bores the crap out of me by about 11:30am each day and I could do blind folded, I rent a property with my mum (so technically not living with my mum in the traditional 'loaf off your parents' kind of way but still having the uncool points), I still feel like crap most days with the racing heart and lethargy from lack of iron and stupidly in my early 20's decided it was fun to use credit cards so I now spend a fair whack of my disposable income clearing that up, fingers crossed it should all be gone by the time I am 30 but until then I feel 'trapped' in this very uninspiring life. I don't remember what I expected my life to be like, but I am pretty sure that this was not the way I thought it would go, I wanted this very cool happy life and now all that I have are millions of questions as to what comes next......What do I want to do everyday? Where do I want to live? Will I find my soul mate? Will I get to have children? And when will this life start??

I have decided that my new start begins tomorrow. I will put on my game face, fight my best fight, stop hiding behind crappy excuses and not let people treat me like crap and think that it is OK. Now this is not going to be a quick or easy but I think that once I figure 'Me' out the rest will fall into place.....if not there is always liquor to numb the pain xx

Questions and Answers.....

There is a point when you are thinking about something that it then takes over most of your thoughts for a period of time. I started to think on Saturday and I am STILL going, yes I can function as a normal person and most likely the majority of people I have interacted with would have no idea that I am barely paying attention to them because every functioning part of my brain has an 'engaged' sign on it just like a ladies loo.

So what you might ask has been rattling around my brain....one single question that needs to be asked and answered. Now having formulated the question, run it by my very best mate as an editing process (its always better to be safe than sorry) I now need ask the person that I need the answer from.......and the heart starts beating again. As a quick background for those who don't know the latest, about 3 weeks ago my heart rate started racing and wouldn't stop after about 3 days of a 100 plus heartbeat I went to see my GP. She was concerned and then sent me home with some 'old man' beta blockers to artificially slow my heart down and a referral to a Cardiologist. The Cardiologist sent me for a few tests including an ultra sound on my heart and wearing a portable heart monitor that recorded your heart rate for 24 hours and a full blood test. So with my heart rate still hanging around the 100 mark for the most part I went to see the Cardiologist, turns out my heart is overcompensating and working extra hard to make up for a severe iron deficiency........which of course is a great outcome, the iron issues are fixable and he took me off the beta blockers, though until the iron gets sorted I again get an extra fast extra exhausting heart beat.

So back to the point, with the addition of 'stress' my heart rate goes a little insane, not knowing the answer to things also drives me insane the combination together means me preoccupied, stressed and a little nervous. When asking a question that you don't know the answer too there is always a 50/50 chance of it working out the way you want it to. So now all I have to do is get this out of the way and life will make a little more sense, for better or worse an answer is always better than nothing.........